formaliteas | APPOINTMENTS & OVERFLOW

[Well, that's.

Alarming.

And alarming feels like an understatement. His face instantly falls, worry quickly becoming apparent on his own expression.]

Jaguar...?

[Something happened. A game he missed or a memory or just, something. He nods quickly when he regains himself from the surprise of his demeanor.] Yeah, yeah, of course. [And getting what he means by that, Rook steps outside, shutting the dorm's door behind him.]

Sorry. I know it's sudden.

[He hasn't been around much, but that's not unusual. Always working on something with Lilith, passing the time with her research and projects.

A gesture for Rook to follow, then Jaguar is walking off and....away. Just, away. No real destination in mind other than away from the cottage and those of the oter teams.]

Mm, it's fine.

[A simple, honest response, because how sudden anything is never seems to be an issue where Rook is concerned.

He follows Jaguar silently, curious where he's going-- if he has a destination in mind at all. He's noticed his lack of presence too. Moreso lately, what with losing so many people, worrying when it's been a few days since he last saw someone.]

[He makes a point to stay a few steps ahead, hands fisted at his sides. He walks until there's only the outdoors surrounding them, a good distance put between them and everyone else, then takes a seat beneath a tree. Stares off into the distance, gathers his nerve.]

I remembered something.

[Not the most auspicious start, but he has to reveal this gradually or his composure really will shatter.]

[At this point, it's not surprising.

Rook moves to sit next to him, the slightest little encouraging shoulder bump to remind him that he's there, and will remain as such regardless of what he hears.]

What was it?

[He does not, at least, flinch at the touch, although he doesn't lean into it. A small miracle.]

Did I ever tell you about the Little Sisters Orphanage? The....the one meant for young girls, a twin to the all-boys establishment that took me in?

[A moment of quiet, before he nods.]

Yeah, you told me ... some things about them.

Those girls were experimented upon, as you know.....bonded to the Big Daddies and turned into harvesters for the substance used in creating implants, like my own.

[In a flash-freeze of cold, ice crystallizes at his fingertips, shattering as both hands curl into tight fists again. The way he repeats himself is somehow akin to driving a blade in deep and then twisting it. Punishing himself with the reminder.]

I remembered something else about those unfortunate children. Something I did. I should just spit it out, I know, but it's....I'm....

[He hates hearing the details. Understandably so for the obvious reasons. But Jaguar's current state and ominous statements makes hearing it again feel worse in a way.

He reaches over to put one of his hands over Jaguar's when he sees him repeat that action.]

I have no other plans today, so we can take our time.

[His hands are so cold, colder than death, but Rook's touch forces the power to recede after a few tense heartbeats. Jaguar's breathing hitches, a sharp hiss through clenched teeth. Eventually, he begins again.]

Eleanor....is a Big Sister. Powerful as a Big Daddy without the same bond to control her. She can sense the Little Sisters, talk to them, and....

[He listens, silently, with a nod of acknowledgment and the smallest little squeeze of his hand.]

[Silence.]

She can drain them. Like batteries.

Drain them...

[It makes sense ... still. Jaguar said this was something he did, so he repeats it to let him know he's following.]

What exactly happened...?

Eleanor's mother wanted us to remove the Little Sisters from an area controlled by one of her rivals.

.....

We did.

[His tone says it all: they did it, Eleanor carrying out the act with his help. Supporting her, protecting her, allowing things to unfold as they had. Maybe those twisted children weren't living any kind of happy or natural life, but they had deserved more than to be.....emptied.]

[One of her rivals. Meaning there are others in competition to her level of cruelty, she simply sees them as threats, or a mix of both. None of which are very good thoughts, even though it's far from the point.

He listens, hand over Jaguar's sliding just a little bit more to hold onto it just a little bit tighter when he speaks, understanding what that means for someone like him. He's glad, at least, he knows Sophia is dead back in his world, so at least her terrible orders to people like Jaguar and Eleanor can't continue anymore.

Still, he knows from experience that that hardly does much to soften the blow of memories like this.]

... What a horrible woman.

I'm sorry, Jaguar. That she made the two of you do something like that.

Maybe we could have done something. Disobeyed her somehow. Eleanor hated her just as much as I did, if not more.

[But they hadn't. Just....went along with the plan. For their own ends, yes, rather than out of any love or loyalty to the woman that held their leashes, and they both felt bad about doing it, but what difference did that make? What did that change? Nothing.]

I didn't even try. I would have done anything to keep my own position secure, for the sake of my revenge. [...] Just like my shadow.

[Hurting anyone. Killing anyone. Whatever it took to reach his goal.]

...

If you disobeyed her, though ... things would have ended worse for you two, right? And maybe even ... more people, in the long run.

[Failing, being punished or worse, would have meant no revenge, so could have meant more of her doing as she pleased, hurting more people.

But...] But ... I know even trying to look at it that way probably doesn't help much.

I don't think you're like your shadow, though. Unlike that thing, you ... the real, actual you, care about remembering this.

[An expression of utmost bitterness, mingled with doubt. Fear.]

Do I? Or is it only because of my memory loss? If I didn't know Sophia was dead, would there be room in my heart for remorse over the Little Sisters? I can't say for sure.

... How did you feel in the memory? [He figures in one sense, if they didn't want to do it, if they felt something then, it meant something. But...]

Though, even despite that, and even if you really can't say for sure ... you're here now, as you are, feeling the way you feel. And that's you. You wouldn't be worried about being a bad or remorseless person if you were one.

Regretful. Ashamed. But I still stood aside without protest.

[Eleanor had needed the influx of power to survive after a close-call battle with a Big Daddy, but even so.....even so...! That's the crux of the whole problem: what good is there in feeling those emotions if you're still that capable of ignoring them?]

I could still become one. Maybe even now, despite everything.

Don't say that. We all believe in you and care about you, because we know what kind of person you are inside. Despite everything that's happened around you. Despite the kind of things you've had to do and endure, because of the circumstances that put you in that sort of place.

Sometimes ... we can't have helped the kind of things we've had to do in our memories. [He's definitely not exactly a saint in that regard, either.] But it doesn't mean we're horrible people. Not like the ones who put us into those situations.

I know it's hard to wonder and worry, and feel scared about becoming something like that. But all the same ... I don't know how much it helps, but I have faith that won't happen to you, because I know you're a great person, Jaguar.

Painting someone as an ideal isn't doing them any favors, Rook.

[It's more of a snap than anything honestly meant. A defensive reaction. He doesn't want to let go of his guilt, his fear, so easily. What if that was the only thing keeping him from becoming his shadow....or reverting back to his original self? Did he even deserve peace after what he's done, anyway?]

I'm not painting you that way ... but I still think you're great. And I think you're strong, too, to be someone like you are after all of it, and continue to want to be.

Even if you think you could become something else, something worse ... even if it is a possibility, we'll be there to help you too, if you ever feel too overwhelmed about it, or even if we see you slipping.

It's good to feel how you do ... I just don't want it to turn into something that hurts or changes you in a different way.

....and if you're not there? If it's something that'll never go away?

[If it's something inherent, nature rather than nurture.]

Just because I'm- or others aren't there physically doesn't mean we're not there, you know. [Reaching out to poke at his chest, over his heart.] Those are only what-ifs, anyway...! And it's like I said ... part of why I like you so much is because you're strong, we're only a backup because ... I think you can help yourself when you need to. You just need to faith in yourself, and in us who have it in you.

I know that it's hard right now, though, after just remembering something like that, so it's okay. But, I'm here for you right now. And I'll be here for you any time you need, while you sort everything out from it.

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