APPOINTMENTS & OVERFLOW

[formaliteas]

[For thread continuations and other RP-related things.]

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[formaliteas]

[An expression of utmost bitterness, mingled with doubt. Fear.]

Do I? Or is it only because of my memory loss? If I didn't know Sophia was dead, would there be room in my heart for remorse over the Little Sisters? I can't say for sure.

[unguilded]

... How did you feel in the memory? [He figures in one sense, if they didn't want to do it, if they felt something then, it meant something. But...]

Though, even despite that, and even if you really can't say for sure ... you're here now, as you are, feeling the way you feel. And that's you. You wouldn't be worried about being a bad or remorseless person if you were one.

[formaliteas]

Regretful. Ashamed. But I still stood aside without protest.

[Eleanor had needed the influx of power to survive after a close-call battle with a Big Daddy, but even so.....even so...! That's the crux of the whole problem: what good is there in feeling those emotions if you're still that capable of ignoring them?]

I could still become one. Maybe even now, despite everything.

[unguilded]

Don't say that. We all believe in you and care about you, because we know what kind of person you are inside. Despite everything that's happened around you. Despite the kind of things you've had to do and endure, because of the circumstances that put you in that sort of place.

Sometimes ... we can't have helped the kind of things we've had to do in our memories. [He's definitely not exactly a saint in that regard, either.] But it doesn't mean we're horrible people. Not like the ones who put us into those situations.

I know it's hard to wonder and worry, and feel scared about becoming something like that. But all the same ... I don't know how much it helps, but I have faith that won't happen to you, because I know you're a great person, Jaguar.

[formaliteas]

Painting someone as an ideal isn't doing them any favors, Rook.

[It's more of a snap than anything honestly meant. A defensive reaction. He doesn't want to let go of his guilt, his fear, so easily. What if that was the only thing keeping him from becoming his shadow....or reverting back to his original self? Did he even deserve peace after what he's done, anyway?]

[unguilded]

I'm not painting you that way ... but I still think you're great. And I think you're strong, too, to be someone like you are after all of it, and continue to want to be.

Even if you think you could become something else, something worse ... even if it is a possibility, we'll be there to help you too, if you ever feel too overwhelmed about it, or even if we see you slipping.

It's good to feel how you do ... I just don't want it to turn into something that hurts or changes you in a different way.

[formaliteas]

....and if you're not there? If it's something that'll never go away?

[If it's something inherent, nature rather than nurture.]

[unguilded]

Just because I'm- or others aren't there physically doesn't mean we're not there, you know. [Reaching out to poke at his chest, over his heart.] Those are only what-ifs, anyway...! And it's like I said ... part of why I like you so much is because you're strong, we're only a backup because ... I think you can help yourself when you need to. You just need to faith in yourself, and in us who have it in you.

I know that it's hard right now, though, after just remembering something like that, so it's okay. But, I'm here for you right now. And I'll be here for you any time you need, while you sort everything out from it.

[formaliteas]

[Strong? The idea seems pretty laughable right now. He was so weak and full of wounds, every flaw and self-doubt abruptly brought back into vicious prominence by the memory that would have only troubled, not dissuaded, the original him.

Jaguar looks away, frowning. But....he does nod.]

[unguilded]

[At that, Rook scooches over the slightest bit, sliding a hand over his back and around his shoulders.

He's silent for a few long moments after that, just letting Jaguar know he's there. Affirming that he means what he said, and what he's offered.]

We could go back to Amalthea later, if you want. Together. Or to Cats. We can relax and do something to pass the time. Or even do nothing, too, if you'd rather do that.

[formaliteas]

No.

[Nice things, simple kindness, after what he's remembered? This soon? It would be like acid on raw nerves.]

....thank you, really. But no. I just needed to...not be completely alone with the knowledge.

[unguilded]

[A long moment of silence. Something about that still feels ... off to him. Because he can tell that Jaguar is having a hard time already with allowing himself much of a reprieve.]

I know sometimes not being alone in that way helps ... and sometimes physically, too. I always like having someone with me, when that happens. Even if it's just to get to sleep or have some silent company to think.

It's okay if you really don't want it, but ... the offer's always open. [His tone clearly worried, in that way that says he's concerned about leaving him alone. But right now, at least...] For now though... [He turns that arm around his shoulder into a half-hug/gentle drape, leaning a bit and giving him the opportunity to lean back too.]

[formaliteas]

I know it is.

[A brief flicker, a momentary weakness in the walls he's drawn around himself, but otherwise he doesn't respond to the touch. Tense all over, shoulders knotted up like a pine board.]

[unguilded]

Hey ... can I ask something? About what happened.

[formaliteas]

What is it?

[unguilded]

You said she drained them. How exactly does that work?

[formaliteas]

......the Little Sisters carry ADAM, the substance, in their own bodies. They were implanted with....a creature, a type of sea slug, that could produce it. The slugs live inside the stomach of their hosts in a symbiotic relationship.

What Eleanor did was extract all of the ADAM from the slug using a large syringe, killing both it and the host.

[unguilded]

Ah ... and that was the kind of thing you had to help her do...

[A mutter, more to himself as he lapses into silence, wrapping his head around that. He'd call the process fucked up, but it's more than the process than is, honestly.]

[formaliteas]

She needed the power. I didn't stop her from taking it.

[.....]

I could, but also couldn't. Not without risking my position with both of them. I was Sophia's watchdog, a way for her to keep her daughter on another leash, but I was also Eleanor's tool.....and her ally, albeit one she didn't trust, united in our hatred for her mother.

All that precarious juggling of plates for the sake of my revenge.

[unguilded]

She needed the power ... would she have been in danger if she didn't have it?

[The doesn't comment on the vengeance part. Not yet. He has a lot of conflicting thoughts about the concept himself, sometimes.]

[formaliteas]

It doesn't matter. The same thing would have happened regardless.

[unguilded]

Considering everything about the circumstances, yeah, it probably would have.

... you stayed in the place you were, did things like that, things you regretted and feel ashamed of for a reason. How does it feel now...? Knowing how things turned out in the end.

[formaliteas]

......

[He puts his face in his hands, feeling very tired.]

I don't regret that Sophia is dead. I only wish she could have been eliminated sooner, without innocents being made to pay a high cost.

[unguilded]

... yeah. [That's how it always is, but that's kind of a given.] I definitely don't feel any regret about that either. [Just like he doesn't care about his sister. Just like he wouldn't care about Nyssa.]

But now that she's gone, you can work on starting something new from here. Not to forget the awful things that happened, but to accept that they did for the reasons they did, and work on creating a new path where things like that don't have to happen again.

[formaliteas]

[A very quiet sigh. Not because he thinks Rook is wrong but because it's hard to, emotionally, get there. Optimistic talks about the future can't erase the burden of past mistakes, of present guilt.]

I know.